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If all the things I hate, the very worst one is a liar. I have written about my three types, but above and beyond the other two is the liar.

I was thinking today about a woman that I had dated after my recent separation. She was telling me all kinds of things, things that just did not add up. Once she told me she was working late. I did not like the tone of her voice and something told me to go by her place. I did, she was home. I called, she said she had gotten sick, so went home anyway. Busted. There was no way she would have beat me to her home from work. This started the deadly cycle.

The deadly cycle you ask? Yep, the deadly cycle. From that point on I listened to the little voice within and when it said she was not being truthful I had to check it.

Now, just because someone lied to me once does not mean they will lie again. I know that sometimes people have their reasons and they may indeed be personal and not to be shared, even with a lover. But there comes a time where you should be able to tell your partner anything and it should be alright. If the truth is hurtful then it can be forgiven, but it at least it is out in the open.

So I called her on the first fib and she made up an excuse. It was almost certainly a lie, but I would not gainsay it there and then, I just let it pass. I caught her on several more and then started to wonder how many more lies I had been fed that I did not catch. That pretty much ended the relationship.

Lying, the fastest and surest way to end a relationship quick, and not in a pretty manner either.

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It’s been a while since I had a new bar quote for you, so here is one that happened yesterday.

Cheers was an incredible look at the bar scene. One of the more interesting characters for me was Cliff Claven, the know-it-all barfly. Interesting for me for no other reason than the sheer audacity of the character. I think that when they build bars they automatically install a Claven in each.

Now me being a fairly knowledgeable person I tend to have a problem with the Clavens of this world. It is not the fact that they do not have their facts straight, it the bravado in which they pontificate upon their misguided information. They are so wrong, it is so obvious (at least to me) that it takes all I have to zip my lip and let them hang themselves with their cocksureness.

But even worse than that is they do have some charisma and other people believe them. The Claven spouts his misinformation and heads nod in agreement. And what gets me is I do not know if they believe him or are mocking him by placating his ego with positive reinforcement. Is everyone getting an internal giggle at listening to the blowhard spew is spiel? And if that is the case, being we are all getting a nice internal chuckle over the idiocy, wouldn’t it become annoying after a while?

Now I ask these questions fully aware of the fact that this is a bar and alcoholic lubrication can make just about anything palatable, given enough juice. But really, is there an upper limit to the amount of bullshit one can swallow? The other alternative is that they really do believe what he is saying and now he has become their Prophet. To me that is an even scarier thought.

Today I was in the unfortunate position of being amazed and caught in the middle and having to do something I could scarcely believe. I had to agree with The Claven.

Claven: “Er ah, yep, it’s true, we all had tails at one point, but, er ha, we outgrew them early on.”

Barfly: “You me like our great, great a million times back whosy whats its?’’

Claven: “No, ah, er, I mean you and me. We all had tails.”

Now the thing is, for one of few times I can remember, he is actually correct even though this is one of the most absurd statements you could make. In early embryonic development, a human fetus (or is it zygote or embryo, I can’t remember) actually does have a tail. We do indeed “out grow them” as they grow into our spinal columns. He is absolutely right, I was floored.

Barfly: “I ain’t never seen a person with a tail… never, not even little kiddies..”

Claven: “I have, it’s ah, er all true.”

This is where I come in. Sir “Barfly” comes over to me, because I am a “fart smeller” (god I hate spoonerisms), and asks if I heard that last piece of crap. I told him I did so he pressed me for an opinion, was the Claven correct?

By this time there were bar bets happening, Claven or Barfly, and I was the one to tell them who was the winner. The bets were heavy on the Barfly, so I tried to back off but made the mistake of saying I knew the answer. Barfly would not back off, so, I told him I agreed with the Claven.

Barfly: “But Claven is never right, so you’re full of shit too…”

Now I had to not only agree with Claven, I ended up getting on the Internet and downloading pictures and URLs with information about prenatal human tails defending him. Why? Because now I was being called a loon. It didn’t take long to settle the matter and with the bet now settled, money passed around and Claven was a good $80 dollars richer.

About 45 minutes later Claven came over to me, sat down in the booth, and put $40 in front of me.

“What’s that for?”

Claven: “Agreeing with me. Thanks, you ah, er worked out well…”

“Huh?”

Claven: “Don’t get huh? I ah, set them up about once a month. Thanks for the help.”

He got up and walk backed to the bar.

For me there is a new saying… “Crazy as a Claven”

I have to thank all of my friends here, I needed your words of encouragement and the kick in the ass as well. For a really bad start the day did not end so bad. Not that anything was solved, I still have the same problems that I had before, I just don’t feel as depressed.

I took a needed day off from the computer after I wrote my self-pitying diatribe, and maybe that was a help. I have been working on the programming for this site so much that it really had become an obsession. I have been living with problems that were really Zen programming in a language that I am just now getting the hang of. If you program you know that the two things in programming that tend to be the biggest pains in the ass are custom sorts and recursive programming, both of which were needed to solve problems in this software and be scaleable at the same time. And while I did solve both problems, I had spent so much time thinking about them that I had lost touch with reality a bit. I think that and all the other issues in my life kind of crashed down around my ears this morning in a huge bout of self pity and depression.

I know I have clinical depression, but it is rather mild compared with others that I know who are diagnosed “clinically depressed”. For those who do not know, there is really such a thing as clinically depressed, it is a real ailment. Telling someone to “snap out of it” who is clinically depressed is asking a lot in terms of mental discipline. It is not a state of mind, it is a mind in a different state. The brain has a lack of certain chemicals (serotonin being one of them) and it induces depression. Depression is treatable with drug therapies (Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, or Xanex and the like), but I have resisted the urge to press my doctor for a prescription. I am not willing to live with the side effects. I do not want to be sexually inhibited by drugs. I do not want to gain weight (since I have lost so much already and the thought of putting it back on is enough to drive me into a real deep depression.) I do not want to be tired all the time. I want to live in a reality unclouded by the mind altering effects of some drug. God knows I take enough now to control my diabetes, adding more to the regime is not a happy thought either.

So, I turn my considerable perception within and wade through the cloud of depression and try to find out if I am dealing with depression on the psychotic nature of diabetes. I check my BGL and if it is within normal ranges (for a diabetic) I know that it is not the diabetes talking, driving me crazy, but rather the depression. That is exactly what happened this morning. If my BGL was over 300 or 400 (that is VERY high) I would have popped a few Glyburides and been much happier in an hour or so. I knew I was not being hypoglycemic either, I could still see and the world was not filled with the psychedelic kaleidoscope that I usually experience when that happens (hypoglycemia is the opposite of diabetes, in that the blood level is too low. This can happen with diabetics who over medicate or have not eaten properly.)

Well, at least I was not dealing with the diabetes, that is a good thing, but the depression is almost as bad. At least I knew I was altered and this was not my normal mode of thought. Think about being hyped on glucose (literally psychotic) AND depressed at the same time, this is a cocktail designed to kill people. Not from wielding a shot gun and facing down cops, but rather turning the gun on themselves and committing the final sin of self destruction. I can only be thankful that I have only gotten to that point once in my life. Now I know that this combination of symptoms is a highly deleterious to good health, and I can, if I am well enough, think my way through it.

I bootstrapped my self together and forced myself to be proactive. I ran an errand and submitted an application for a job that I may not want, but know I can do well enough. One that will pay the bills without me having to over think things too much. Is this a career for me? Will I get burned out on it? I have no idea, but at least it will added to my image of self-worth and occupy my time to the point where I am not thinking about programming day in and day out. I got burned out on that once, looks like I can get burned out on that again easily enough.

Like I said, I got off my ass and did something proactive. Will I get the job? I hope so because other sources of income are becoming harder to come by. Seems no-one wants a 40 year old burned out programmer. Can I blame them? Not really.

My career as an author is not coming along as planned either, though to be honest I have not had the time to devote to it I would have liked. This project (Miasma of Musings) has become a lot larger than I originally anticipated and I have not written seriously in a couple of months. In fact, I need to get to a final edit on my last story and submit it soon, if for no other reason than to feel the sense of accomplishment that I am lacking right now. I have to get that published and move on to better projects.

Not that I have not done any work on my next story, I have about 1.4 million words of research to go through as prep. It is in a field I have a basic understanding of, (genetic engineering) but need a deeper knowledge of to make the story convincing. My first story dealt with theism versus science and the coming unification of the two. This is much more technical and I will not be able to “fudge” the science nearly as much lest I garner the host of “impossible” and “you whack” comments that are bound to accompany any science fiction story that is less speculative and more science based as this one will be.

So I filled the app and took a piss test that I will pass without blinking, I do not do drugs and so there is never a worry when asked to urinate in a little cup. But I did get a case of shy bladder and it took an hour and a half before I apparatus would cooperate with me. Kinda embarrassing, but I guess it happens.

Once out of there I made a few calls, again forcing myself to be proactive and then headed over to The Frog (the bar I hang out at because it is a family owned establishment and my soda or tea is free) and solved the wifi connectivity issue they were having. Once solved I forced myself not to get on to the blogs and email and just enjoy being there. I lucked out in that regard, it was jazz night and an evening of jazz and talking politics with a few friends there was what I needed to get me back into a better mood.

So now I sit here, writing down my days activities and feel better for it even though I have not solved some of my more pressing needs, I can only hope that tomorrow will bring the answers I need for that. But at least I am out of the deep blue funk I was so drowning in this morning.

Bad day, good day, it is al open to interpretation, but at least I am not thinking all crazy… for now.

I awoke today to the bleakest day I have felt in a long time. I am feeling very depressed today, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to communicate, I don’t want to work, I don’t want to write, I don’t want my daughter, I don’t want anything. I just want to roll up and let the world pass me by.

I know I am depressed and I do not know what to do about it. I can see no prospects for myself, I am only being harassed by creditors, and the prospect of me losing my home in the next few days is very real.

I have tried to get a job. I have gone on interviews and nobody wants me. I have an idea for work, but I do not want to do it. My contact for money that I am owed has canceled his phone service, I think I am in trouble that way too.

It is like my life is a house of cards and someone has just inhaled and is ready to blow the whole thing over. I do not see me being around in a few days. I do not know what to do. For all my accomplishments, work, and such, it feels like it has all been for nothing. My affect on anyone seems so small, so meaningless, that if I were not here would anyone really notice? Yeah, the creditors would.

I am a 40 year old programmer that nobody wants.

So, all these thoughts run through my mind, they are not good, not healthy. I think it is the diabetes talking, only I test and it is 133 after a bowl of cereal, not bad and an expected number. So I cannot blame the diabetes for that. I am just depressed, totally an completely… I have to do something to break it.

I have tried to contact a few friends for help, and none have come through for me. Not a single one. For all I do for my friends, not a single one has been able to help me. Do you know how much that hurts. I am an invisible man in a world of the unconscious.

“Son, are ignorant or just apathetic?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”

…

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”