One year ago I was finally getting my life back together. I had a number of girlfriends, all potentially wonderful people, especially one that would have worked out real well if things had been slightly different, and a couple of others that seemed to be right for me. It was a time that allowed me to explore a lot of different avenues and discover things about myself that I did not know. It was also the time I started blogging.

It was a year filled with changes and unexpected emotions and loves. Some worked, some did not, and another I wish would have. One love was not as expected, the next was not destine to be, the third was too far away and could not be worked out, and the forth was a complete surprise and wonderful even now. My life has certainly been filled with wonderful women and hopefully will continue to be.

So here I am one year later and things are looking better for me. I have a steady girlfriend I care deeply for, my best friend has joined me in Las Vegas after a long time of urging him to make the move. My job is hard and tiring but it is paying the bills, and all in all I feel I am creating a new life. Things are looking up in spite of the turmoil my ex is inflicting on me. I have had some set backs in the last year, some losses that have produces gains, some gains that have produced losses. I have taken up a former love (photography) and feel as though it is rounding out my life well.

Circumstances in my life are still changing around me, but for now I feel as though I am guiding the changes for the best. I think I have a better grasp on my life than I did a year ago with many life lessons learned and new perspectives to help me make better decisions.

There are still things in my life that I want and cannot achieve right now, but those things are for me to know and not share right now in a blog entry. They are secret desires to be shared in the future as things get better and people know me well enough to not think I am a total lunatic. They are the desires of the masked self that we do not reveal with ease, the secrets we all have and guard with a passion.

So, here I am, growing and still blogging. It will be interesting to see where the next year takes me, takes us all.

Why is it that some people can never get over things? Why is that they keep nursing hostile feelings and go out of there way to make things difficult for you when it would be so much easier to just get over it and be civil?

I am of course talking about my ex. For the last two years she has been doing everything to make my life miserable. She keeps demanding more money, she keeps my daughter from talking to me, she retains lawyers to plaster me with motions on a divorce that has already been settled, and now she is getting the IRS to do her dirty work.

So, I have to respond and make a motion in court to modify the divorce agreement to alleviate myself of the extra money she wants. I have to hire my lawyer again and pay money not to pay more money. My lawyer tells me she cannot win the extra funds, but I have to respond or else she will win by default. More money gone!

I call up to talk to my daughter, guess what, she is mysteriously not home. I call several times and she keeps hanging up. After 19 years you would assume she knows my voice, and maybe that is it. Hence, no talking to my daughter. This is actually expressly against the divorce agreement. The fact that she is supposed to promote communication between my and my daughter seems to be an issue she has overlooked.

Then she want more money from me to cover braces for my daughter. I have no problems with this, but I have asked that she supply a bill from the dentist but I have never seen it. All I have is a hand written estimate with no file number and no was to remit payment. So what does she do? Well she sends child services after me and is trying to make me a “deadbeat dad”. This is getting ridiculous.

Finally she applied to the IRS to relieve her from paying back taxes that she owes and the IRS is coming after me. The thing is, in the divorce agreement she agreed to pay 50% of the taxes. Guess she thinks this is cute, but guess what, I now have to sue her over the taxes owed personally. This is getting out of hand. With all the money spent on lawyers we could have paid everything off and been done with this mish-a-goss and live nice lives apart.

Why do people hold on to the anger like this? Why is it that when I call her in a civil manner she turns it all into a legal matter and drives me nuts? Why do people feel that they have to ruin other peoples lives even after everything is said and done?

I am not the only person I know that has an ex that goes out of their way to make the other from the former relationship miserable. It seems to be a fairly common theme, one member of the former marriage just can’t let go of the hate that was generated and does everything they can to ruin the others life. Why? Is there some sort of mental disorder that forces these people to continually exact what they may consider revenge?

You know what the real bitch about this is? It is going to cost me more in lawyers fees than they increased amount of money I would have had to pay her over the years. But that is not really the point, is it? The point is I now feel I have to defend my lose/lose position in order to put an end to the continued harassment. I have to meet her spite and lawyers until they have expended all avenues so that I am not harassed more in the future. I feel I have to spank her for he bad behavior, and the only way is to beat her in the court system. How pathetic is all that?

But if I just give in, giver her what she wants, how will that make me feel? She will just keep coming back for more and I will still be attached to her vindictive whims until it stops (if ever). I do not want to feel like a wallet, I had enough of that when I was married to her. I have to do this and fight back for my own self esteem.

What does this all do to me? It makes me miserable for having to be tough (not my nature) and puts a damper on my current relationship because I am mentally occupied with the crap my ex is generating. Let me tell you, there are times that it really makes my blood boil and I do not want that. It put me into this quote; “You haven’t seen me angry; you don’t want to see me angry.” Truly, you don’t want to see me angry because I cen get very nasty and vindictive when pressed.

So here I am, forced by my ego to do things that I do not want to do, miserable the whole time until this is finally over.