I woke up this morning and like a lot of people, I did not want to go to work. I know, we all feel that way some times, but today it was really bad. But I got up, showered and shaved, dressed and went in anyway. That is when it happened. As I was driving into work, my mind was filling with the strangest notions, “Fuck, just quit and go home!” “Drive it off the road, you’ll have some time then.” And the torrent of notions continued and grew more weird by the second.

There is something to be said for the power of the conscious mind that it can recognize when it is not running correctly, if you let it. I knew these were not normal thoughts for me. I knew that something was wrong and as I thought about it I swear I could feel the chemical imbalance grow. I wanted to roll over and go to sleep, I wanted to walk away from everything and just hide. I wanted to cry like a child, but there was no privacy. The emotions were coursing through my body and all I could do was hold it together with pure intellect and that was not easy. I wanted to lash out at every person that walked by. It was not an easy few hours.

This seems to be my world now. Every once in a while the whole thing gets turned upside down and I feel like I want to bark at everyone that comes into range. Try working with customers in a cab all day in that sort of condition. I truly feel I want to hide away from the world.

But what am I to do. I guess the next step is to get onto one of the assorted happy pills that is on the market, regulate the old gray matter better. But have you seen the side effects on those scripts? Sleepy all day, lethargic, the squirts, and of course Mr. Happy is not happy anymore on this meds. Seems to me the cure may be worse than the ailment.

Anyone have suggestions?

It’s 4:00am in the morning and I am in my hack ready to pick up a fare. The drunken fare staggers out to the cab line and is promptly loaded into my taxi. “Out near Red Rock Station, I am staying near there…” and off we go to the opposite side of Vegas. Normally I would consider this a good ride, but I have a feeling about it and sure enough my instincts were not wrong.

Immediately the drunk extols his virtues as master of Vegas because he is a VP with UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). Just so we are clear, his first name is Mike, and I am not changing the name to protect the innocent. He is so happy with himself and so loathsome of the little people he must put up with he forgets that the one driving him is one of the “piece of shit masses” he so abhors. I have to endure this crap for the next 30 minutes.

Normally I like to get an exact address when I take a fare home, but sots rarely remember their address so it ends up being a game of “turn here, then here… maybe…” until we find the correct address. All the while this one wants nothing more than complain.

We finally get to where he needs to be and I tell him the fare and low and behold, the Master of the Universe does not have any cash. No I do not take credit cards, no I will not just let it go. I finally take him to an ATM and he is out of my cab and god riddance. But like most stories of this sort it does not end there. (You know, if you live in Vegas for more than 10 minutes you know that the cabs do not take plastic, another sign of the arrogant bastard.)

About an hour and a half later I hear buzzing in the cab and there under the front passenger seat is a cell phone. Great, just what I needed, the bastard who made my life hell forgot his phone and here I am, involved with this vile persons life again.

Well, I answer the phone so I can get the person calling him to get me instructions to return the phone. Well, the person on the phone is a Matt H., also in a drunken stupor and can only seem to mention that he is a creative something or other for UFC and that I as a servant of the people should go out of my way to return the phone because the Master of the Universe is really important and that was after all my job. Sorry buddy, but it is not my job.

After he finally understands that I am not going to bend over backwards for these oh so deserving Psion’s, he offers to make it worth my while with some cash and tickets. Oh, now you are talking my language. I tell him to call me back after he sleeps it off with directions to his office.

Hours later I get a call from Mike, “do you have my phone?” I tell him yeah and that Matt and I have made an arrangement to return the phone. I tell him to contact Matt for the details, but start all the way back to the other side of Vegas again.

The first run over to Summerland did not yield a return trip so was not profitable at all, even with a tip that would insult any self-respecting waiter. Technically I lost money on the tip because I have to claim more than the tip actually was. You can tell my enthusiasm for this return trip was not there, I was bound to loose at least an hour of drive time just to return this jerks phone. But hey, I try to be a good guy, so over I went.

I get over there and a receptionist demands the phone, but I tell her I have to return it to Mike so there are no misunderstandings. He comes out and demands the phone and turns to leave, I say excuse me, and THEN he give me a $20 for my trouble, no tickets. I ask him about that and he has nothing to say and leaves. By the way, was there are thank you in any of this? Of course not, I was one of the little people that he pisses all over.

Now some of you may say that $20 was not bad for returning the phone, and normally you would be right, but from this schmuck, it did not rate for having been insulted through the whole affair. Besides, doing the math, the ride out the first time was $40 and I had just done that again off the meter. Then there is the matter of gas that I have to pay for and missed fares that I was not getting back. The topper was that I would have to dead head all the way back to the Strip once more on my own nickel. No, for the return of that phone at least $60 would have been appropriate (after all it had all his numbers and appointments in it and the value of the phone itself was at least $400). So once again I am insulted by the lack of consideration his Nibs shows toward others.

So why is it that money and power make people act like jerks? Do they honestly believe that they are better then the rest of the people they deal with? He does not know me but he assumes that I am a nobody. I have some credits to my name including accomplishments that allow his phone to work in the first place. But because I drive a cab I guess I am a nothing. Dealing with this type of person is the worst part of my job, and in Vegas there are a lot of people very happy with themselves. The worst are the young punks who just got a raise and into something. These asshole do not know how to handle themselves and they insult everyone around them. Mike, a bit older and presumably with more life experience should know better, but I guess not and that make his actions even more despicable.

Money. It should come with a disclaimer stating that a known side effect is turning a normally decent person into a jerk.

BTW… it is my sincerest hope that others read this post and circulate it to the wider media so people know what kind of people are involved with the UFC. These people are taking you money and laughing at all the little people that pay their way. UFC will never see my support in a fashion from here on in. They, as far as I am concerned, are all jerks who work this organization like a scam. Anyone paying for anything they promote should know this.

One year ago I was finally getting my life back together. I had a number of girlfriends, all potentially wonderful people, especially one that would have worked out real well if things had been slightly different, and a couple of others that seemed to be right for me. It was a time that allowed me to explore a lot of different avenues and discover things about myself that I did not know. It was also the time I started blogging.

It was a year filled with changes and unexpected emotions and loves. Some worked, some did not, and another I wish would have. One love was not as expected, the next was not destine to be, the third was too far away and could not be worked out, and the forth was a complete surprise and wonderful even now. My life has certainly been filled with wonderful women and hopefully will continue to be.

So here I am one year later and things are looking better for me. I have a steady girlfriend I care deeply for, my best friend has joined me in Las Vegas after a long time of urging him to make the move. My job is hard and tiring but it is paying the bills, and all in all I feel I am creating a new life. Things are looking up in spite of the turmoil my ex is inflicting on me. I have had some set backs in the last year, some losses that have produces gains, some gains that have produced losses. I have taken up a former love (photography) and feel as though it is rounding out my life well.

Circumstances in my life are still changing around me, but for now I feel as though I am guiding the changes for the best. I think I have a better grasp on my life than I did a year ago with many life lessons learned and new perspectives to help me make better decisions.

There are still things in my life that I want and cannot achieve right now, but those things are for me to know and not share right now in a blog entry. They are secret desires to be shared in the future as things get better and people know me well enough to not think I am a total lunatic. They are the desires of the masked self that we do not reveal with ease, the secrets we all have and guard with a passion.

So, here I am, growing and still blogging. It will be interesting to see where the next year takes me, takes us all.

Why is it that some people can never get over things? Why is that they keep nursing hostile feelings and go out of there way to make things difficult for you when it would be so much easier to just get over it and be civil?

I am of course talking about my ex. For the last two years she has been doing everything to make my life miserable. She keeps demanding more money, she keeps my daughter from talking to me, she retains lawyers to plaster me with motions on a divorce that has already been settled, and now she is getting the IRS to do her dirty work.

So, I have to respond and make a motion in court to modify the divorce agreement to alleviate myself of the extra money she wants. I have to hire my lawyer again and pay money not to pay more money. My lawyer tells me she cannot win the extra funds, but I have to respond or else she will win by default. More money gone!

I call up to talk to my daughter, guess what, she is mysteriously not home. I call several times and she keeps hanging up. After 19 years you would assume she knows my voice, and maybe that is it. Hence, no talking to my daughter. This is actually expressly against the divorce agreement. The fact that she is supposed to promote communication between my and my daughter seems to be an issue she has overlooked.

Then she want more money from me to cover braces for my daughter. I have no problems with this, but I have asked that she supply a bill from the dentist but I have never seen it. All I have is a hand written estimate with no file number and no was to remit payment. So what does she do? Well she sends child services after me and is trying to make me a “deadbeat dad”. This is getting ridiculous.

Finally she applied to the IRS to relieve her from paying back taxes that she owes and the IRS is coming after me. The thing is, in the divorce agreement she agreed to pay 50% of the taxes. Guess she thinks this is cute, but guess what, I now have to sue her over the taxes owed personally. This is getting out of hand. With all the money spent on lawyers we could have paid everything off and been done with this mish-a-goss and live nice lives apart.

Why do people hold on to the anger like this? Why is it that when I call her in a civil manner she turns it all into a legal matter and drives me nuts? Why do people feel that they have to ruin other peoples lives even after everything is said and done?

I am not the only person I know that has an ex that goes out of their way to make the other from the former relationship miserable. It seems to be a fairly common theme, one member of the former marriage just can’t let go of the hate that was generated and does everything they can to ruin the others life. Why? Is there some sort of mental disorder that forces these people to continually exact what they may consider revenge?

You know what the real bitch about this is? It is going to cost me more in lawyers fees than they increased amount of money I would have had to pay her over the years. But that is not really the point, is it? The point is I now feel I have to defend my lose/lose position in order to put an end to the continued harassment. I have to meet her spite and lawyers until they have expended all avenues so that I am not harassed more in the future. I feel I have to spank her for he bad behavior, and the only way is to beat her in the court system. How pathetic is all that?

But if I just give in, giver her what she wants, how will that make me feel? She will just keep coming back for more and I will still be attached to her vindictive whims until it stops (if ever). I do not want to feel like a wallet, I had enough of that when I was married to her. I have to do this and fight back for my own self esteem.

What does this all do to me? It makes me miserable for having to be tough (not my nature) and puts a damper on my current relationship because I am mentally occupied with the crap my ex is generating. Let me tell you, there are times that it really makes my blood boil and I do not want that. It put me into this quote; “You haven’t seen me angry; you don’t want to see me angry.” Truly, you don’t want to see me angry because I cen get very nasty and vindictive when pressed.

So here I am, forced by my ego to do things that I do not want to do, miserable the whole time until this is finally over.

Ever have an “old friend” look you up? What if this old friend then wanted to be back in your life? What if he pushed for “how about hangin’ out later”, and you did not know what to say? How about the whole thing just felt creepy and that little voice in your head screamed “STOP”? Well, that is what is happening to me right now with this guy Don (well, we will call him Don here).

When I knew Don many years ago, he was a manic and rather odd guy. Smart with computers, he was into many other things that I just did not do. I was never heavy into the network games and I did not hang with a chemical crowd either. In short, we were never really friends, but rather acquaintances that happen to have other friends in common that drew us together. He and I were never really close, and to be honest, we never called or planned time together, we just happened to be together because we were with other we were with.

It seems, however, that now he wants to be my friends. The reasons seem rather obvious, he recently moved to Vegas and has no other friends. He is cleaning up his life (and I commend him for that) but wants to find support from someone that was not in the group that he ran with formerly. He is seeking a better group and has decided that I am part of the group he wants to be with. Unfortunately I am not of the same mind.

I never disliked Don, it is just that I never really liked him as a friend. He was just someone I knew and I was perfectly happy with it that way.

So, after several months of his “calling” I finally gave in and stopped by his work. We talked for a while and it was as you may have guessed, we talked about old times and glory days and I was uncomfortable. He told me how he was screwed up in the head, but getting better, how he was clean for a year and continuing, how he was here alone and it was like a therapy session I never asked for. Needless to say, I was uncomfortable but kept a pleasant face on.

So here is the thing, we are different people than we were years ago, but we are still not friends either, and I do not feel as if we ever will be. I can see that we have very little in common, and without mutual friends, we will never be in the same group. Again, it is not that I dislike the guy, it’s just that I don’t find him particularly likeable to me.

So where do I take it? Do I just let it go, hope that he will drift away again for another 12 years? Do I get more personal and tell him that he and I are just not “friends” material? I have this crazy feeling that if I rebuke him he will take it personally and I can see he would be hurt.

Once again, seems I may need to be the heavy.

Well, it was a fun afternoon of photography with the new camera, and I think a few of the pictures are worth sharing. Here are a few and some narative on each:

We all face fears, and sometimes they take the form
of going to places we do not know or understand...

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For me a recurrent theme is a graphical element to
the image I am seeing. If I can combine this with a
strong texture, all the better...

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If the Tin Woodsman had a case of rust this bad,
Dorothy would have been in a lot of trouble.

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Sometimes people have too much time on their hands...

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Sometimes WAY TOO MUCH time on their hands...

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What do you see in this rock formation? I have named
this shot Easter Island Misfit… You be the judge.

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This was once a place of activity,
but that had to be long ago...

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They used to raise cattle in this parched desert?
That is hard to believe, but it must have been true...

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Reminds me of the Three Bears… wierd...

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The desert is not completely dead, but during the
day you would be hard pressed to find anything
other than sunbathing crickets out and about in
the 105 degree heat.

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Again, back to the graphical theme for me. There
is something about the harsh demeanor that
draws my attention.

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Finally, one last example of graphical content and
texture. I love this shot for unknown reasons other
than there is a lot more going on in the shot than
just a nozzle and pipe. For me the depth of the
colors and grain work well.

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More images later…

For the last few months it has seemed that I have been rushing around or just collapsing when I was not working. Yeah, sometimes I would write a blog entry, sometimes I would work on a PERL project or two, but it seems that I have not had the time or even the inclination to do something I love. I think that should change.

People who know me know that I love photography. I love the art of the craft, the hunt for the shot, the discovery that is waiting to be found in the most unusual places. I am not talking about the snapshots we all take, but the craft of what photography truly is; self-expression through a visual medium.

Recently I came across some extra cash that has helped out my situation greatly. Besides from getting a new computer (the one I am writing this on in fact) I acquired a new camera. The camera is a Minolta 7D, a pro-sumer body that works with all my old lenses. With it I purchased a 2Gig 120x flash card and some extra stuff, but the upshot is I can take over 650 photos with having to buy film and get VERY high res shot through professional lenses.

Why is this important? Well, have you looked at the price of film these days? I am not talking about your average Kodak 200 film, I am talking Kodak and Fuji professional films, the ones I like to shoot when I am serious about photography. Anyway, they are running about $10 a roll for 24 exposures. Added to that cost processing (and not one hour processing that screws up the negs because 5000 other rolls have been processed through it already) at about $20 a roll with 4x6 prints and that comes out to about $30 a roll. That is costly and I have not even ordered enlargements yet.

Now, take that and compare it against the cost of the new camera I bought… If I can get 650 shot all on one flash card (and that is re-useable) and fill it twice, I will have paid for the camera and all the other goodies and then some. That is to say, 50 rolls of film and I am on the upside of the cost! What a deal and the results are of the quality that I can accept.

So, I now have the freedom to go pursue a hobby and love I have not had the luxury to do in a long time simply because it was so expensive. Now that has al changed and I plan on letting the creative juices flow. Check here for photos from my excursions.