Miasma Of Musings

>>> Next entry: Honesty
<<< Previous entry: Once Upon A Time (Part 1) ...

Posted by HarshawJ in Musings
on Thursday, January 05, 2006 12:12:29 PM
in a "drained" mood.

Biorhythms

It must be Biorhythm. Six months ago I was faced with the issue of two paths, and now I find that I have other issues to confront once again, and again, they involve my love life. So why is it more complicated this time? So, stream of consciousness kicks in again…

I have one woman that I care for but she seems to be drifting away. I have made attempts to reforge a relationship but she is so busy with her life that we can never seem to be together. I care for her greatly, and she will aways be special to me, but maybe I should face facts and let it go. Maybe we should be only friends and let that be it. At least at that point I will have put one thread behind me and be able to move on.

Then there is the one that I met totally offline and she is very sweet. Again, I ike her alot, have made a few flirts and have seen some response, but she is not willing to engage in a relationship because of past relationships. She is “Taking Time” to get her head back together, and I can relate to that. Maybe this is a path that should just be left alone. If that is the case, and I do leave it alone, I do have one less thing to worry about. Maybe that is best.

Then there is someone that has recently come into my life and she is very sweet. We are compatible in many ways and share a ton of interests. But she is moving faster than I wanted I think. I am not sure about where I would want to take thisrelationship, it is really interesting now, but I cannot see long term where it will take us if I decide to persue it alone.

Finally there is one woman that I know I can get into. She does not live nearby, she has her own issues as well, but over the last few months we have made a connection, one that I feel strongly about. I know that if it worked out and we were together there would be something very strong there. She is someone that I could be with and know that time would not fade therelationship.

So now it is four paths. Two I can put behind me and know that no-one will be hurt. One I can continue and see where it goes, hopefully slow it down a bit, but see where it goes. The last… well if she comes into my life in a significant way, I will drop all others unless others are all cool with it.

I hate it when my life gets like this, I never know where I stand. I want things to work out well for everyone, but you know that someone ends up getting hurt. Interestingly enough, there is not the concern as much for other people as the last time I had all the paths. This time around there is a more open atmosphere, a more adult way of looking at things. I am not in the agony that I was before.

Maybe this is because I have hardened myself more. Insulated my emotions to the point that I do not feel as strongly. Maybe that is a good thing, I am not seeing the worldthrough the rose-colored glasses as I once had. But what have I lost? Is it the extremes? Have I jaded myself to the heady highs that love can bring? Or have I just added filters to only be able to feel those extremes with the right person? I don’t know and maybe only experimentation will be able to tell me that answer. I do have a strong feelingthat the true highs are possible again, but yeah, with the right person.

Six months… here we are again. Me, different players, but here we are again.

(8) Comments • (0) Trackbacks • Permalink

Comments

Posted by on
01/05/06 01:40:20 PM

Oh, entangled threads......
Ever the mystery of life......I know that when I try to have more than one iron in the fire, it always tends to bite me in the ass. I try to commit my heart to a single endeavor at a time, but sometimes that is easier said than done.
I am with a guy, for example, then meet his friend who has a bit more in common with me....It' a hypthotical situation that has happened a couple of times in my past......
What to do? Long secretly and quietly for what could be with one while the other is oblivious to the sparks between his friend and I? Cancel out with the first only to find out that it is just a simple case of forbidden fruit with the other? Tangled to say the least.
Better to err on the side of caution, at times, I think.
Any girl worth her salt will allow you to figure it out, but the tendency is always to wonder...."what if?"
I have enough experience in that mode to understand how it can tear you up in the long run....
There is nothing wrong with adding filters.....you know that show out the true colors.....polarization.......take out the sharpness of reflected light and such.
Jaded? Careful there....harder to get out of......
And you know as well as I do that rose colored glasses only give you a head ache, so good riddance........
Extremes are meant for extreme emotion and cathartic interactions.....doesn't always mean love though.....With the right person, all of it measures out.

Posted by on
01/05/06 03:24:01 PM

Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime? The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine; it's hard to tell the nighttime from the day. You're losing all your highs and lows; ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

-'Desperado' by The Eagles

I don't envy you your decisions, but it seems to me you're head is at least screwed on straight, brother mine. I wish I had the same troubles, at least about 25% of them. I have also been in a big quandry over the last 3 months. Someone who I thought was helping me to make a move for the better in my life turns out to have been doing absolutely nothing for me and fled, and someone who I thought was my enemy (or at least unsympathetic and unhelpful) has proved to be one of my staunchest supporters. Go figure. 'Life moves pretty fast;' as on hip high-schooler once stated, "if you don't take time to look around you might miss it." I find that while my hope is stretched thin and I need to rely less on others to the point of abandoning almost everyone but family, sometimes people actually surprise you. Las Vegas may not be as distant to me as I was feeling it might be up until the New Year. I find it hard to keep hoping. It tears holes in your soul that are hard to repair when hope proves false. Mine probably looks like it's filled with buck shot. But I keep hoping, for to give in to despair is futile.
So, as I turn 41 as of 4:21 AM PST on 01/04/2006, let's try to smile and inspect the truly good things left to us, the surprises in life that give us courage to hope, and the many choices placed in our paths.
I am thankful for my family, who never disappoint me and always support me; for my best friend who inspires me and gives the the courage to hope. Beyond that, if there is anything, it is undiscovered territory. Maybe I should change my name to Marco Polo or Hernan Cortez? The journey awaits and calls me back to a path I thought shattered by storms and fissures in the earth. It's a good day to look around the bend and see what's next...

Posted by HarshawJ on
01/05/06 04:47:59 PM

Lushgirl:

That is just the thing, I am trying not to have too many irons in the fire, I cannot handle the stress that comes with too many loves at once when the oves are seperate. If it should happen that the loves are all known to all and all are happy with it, no problem, but this is a rare thing. So, the simplest path is the best for now and one at a time (at least till the right one comes along, and I know who that may be

)

- JB

True Color
Cyndi Lauper

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Posted by HarshawJ on
01/05/06 04:48:17 PM

SilverTongue:

Dude, Happy Bday, sorry I forgot... there were other things on my mind and it slipped past me. Would love to talk and get some details, hoefull you will be in LV soon.

- JB

Take it Easy
The Eagles

Well, I’m running down the road
Tryin’ to loosen my load
I’ve got seven women on
My mind,
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she’s a friend of mine
Take it easy, take it easy
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don’t even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
And take it easy
Well, I’m a standing on a corner
In winslow, arizona
And such a fine sight to see
It’s a girl, my lord, in a flatbed
Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me
Come on, baby, don’t say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love is
Gonna save me
We may lose and we may win though
We will never be here again
So open up, I’m climbin’ in,
So take it easy
Well I’m running down the road trying to loosen
My load, got a world of trouble on my mind
Lookin’ for a lover who won’t blow my
Cover, she’s so hard to find
Take it easy, take it easy
Don’t let the sound of your own
Wheels make you crazy
Come on baby, don’t say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love is
Gonna save me, oh oh oh
Oh we got it easy
We oughta take it easy

Posted by TxRose on
01/06/06 12:21:12 AM

2005 was one of the most complex years that I had. First few months interesting but I was finding myself getting involved with a relationship that was going too fast and I wasn't quite sure that that was where I wanted to head, then I decided to spark it up by exploring via AFF to see how others might be living, as well as try to make sure that I really wanted to marry this guy. I began blogging in April and met some very interesting men from AFF, one where we met several times a week but he wanted to get more aggressively into the BDSM and was "afraid that he was going to hurt me". At the beginning of May, I met a 30yo from SA who seemed interesting but I was distracted by a Beau that I still have some feelings for to this day; however, he lives too far away.

Because Beau is to far away, I pursued the 30yo and, now, I find that the 30yo has a moving bug in him and he wants to move to Orlando FL!

I drifted away from AFF because I am not as promiscuous a type of person as they purport themselves to be, although I do enjoy the banter on their blogs every now and then.

I had a date tonight which was interesting, but I am not sure that I can see that I can see a long term future in it, although we agreed that we wanted to do it again and take our date to bowling or a pool hall. We'll see. Do you always know on the first date that it is definately going to be a long term relationship??

I do know that there are only a few times in my lifetime that I could see a future with someone I had just met. Pathways taken often change the outcome.

I don't know what pathway I am going to take this year. At this point in time, I have resolved to incorporate a little more socialization into my hectic work schedule.

I am not trying to think about pathways right now; perhaps a pathway will find its way to me this year - who knows???? 2006 brings me a new year with 2005 revealing to me somethings that I don't and do want.

I am not sure what to tell you about your pathways you want to narrow down and focus upon. Maybe the two will be focusing upon the same star and look forward to the future in the same fashion. What ever it is, it is a decision that you will have to make.

Hugss....

TxRose

Posted by on
01/06/06 10:15:37 AM

First.......
Many happy felicitudes to you, Silver.... whatever or wherever this year finds for you, I hope that it is a year of good things for you.....
The choices ahead of each of us are daunting......
It looks like a year of growth for me already. I have to step up to the plate in some ways that I haven't been prepared for and it will interesting to see the cards all laid out, so to speak.
No way to know the results 'til you take a chance, I say.
Just more careful with the risks.
If there is open communication between you and thosee that you are invloved with then there is at least a chance of balance.
I know that I have had love for more than one person at at time, each one completely different in nature, and it is a tough scene sometimes......emotions get tricky.....
Best advice i could give anyone on that level is to guard your heart and most of all to be true to yourself. The details become easier when you look at it in scale. You have to make yourself content regardless of which or how many of the quartet is involved......
I do have to say that most men I know would envy you the situation you find yourself in.........

Posted by on
01/06/06 01:20:13 PM

Lushgirl Thanks for the happy happies. I know that my post may look like I was fishing for them, but that's not my bag. I was just making a statement.
Harshaw Dude.. forgiven and forgotten. I knew what was going on in your head and we'll talk soon, I am sure.

Posted by on
01/06/06 01:21:53 PM

Not in the least, sugar......I simply extend to you all the joys and happiness we all want for ourselves.

Page 1 of 1 pages