I have to thank all of my friends here, I needed your words of encouragement and the kick in the ass as well. For a really bad start the day did not end so bad. Not that anything was solved, I still have the same problems that I had before, I just don’t feel as depressed.

I took a needed day off from the computer after I wrote my self-pitying diatribe, and maybe that was a help. I have been working on the programming for this site so much that it really had become an obsession. I have been living with problems that were really Zen programming in a language that I am just now getting the hang of. If you program you know that the two things in programming that tend to be the biggest pains in the ass are custom sorts and recursive programming, both of which were needed to solve problems in this software and be scaleable at the same time. And while I did solve both problems, I had spent so much time thinking about them that I had lost touch with reality a bit. I think that and all the other issues in my life kind of crashed down around my ears this morning in a huge bout of self pity and depression.

I know I have clinical depression, but it is rather mild compared with others that I know who are diagnosed “clinically depressed”. For those who do not know, there is really such a thing as clinically depressed, it is a real ailment. Telling someone to “snap out of it” who is clinically depressed is asking a lot in terms of mental discipline. It is not a state of mind, it is a mind in a different state. The brain has a lack of certain chemicals (serotonin being one of them) and it induces depression. Depression is treatable with drug therapies (Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, or Xanex and the like), but I have resisted the urge to press my doctor for a prescription. I am not willing to live with the side effects. I do not want to be sexually inhibited by drugs. I do not want to gain weight (since I have lost so much already and the thought of putting it back on is enough to drive me into a real deep depression.) I do not want to be tired all the time. I want to live in a reality unclouded by the mind altering effects of some drug. God knows I take enough now to control my diabetes, adding more to the regime is not a happy thought either.

So, I turn my considerable perception within and wade through the cloud of depression and try to find out if I am dealing with depression on the psychotic nature of diabetes. I check my BGL and if it is within normal ranges (for a diabetic) I know that it is not the diabetes talking, driving me crazy, but rather the depression. That is exactly what happened this morning. If my BGL was over 300 or 400 (that is VERY high) I would have popped a few Glyburides and been much happier in an hour or so. I knew I was not being hypoglycemic either, I could still see and the world was not filled with the psychedelic kaleidoscope that I usually experience when that happens (hypoglycemia is the opposite of diabetes, in that the blood level is too low. This can happen with diabetics who over medicate or have not eaten properly.)

Well, at least I was not dealing with the diabetes, that is a good thing, but the depression is almost as bad. At least I knew I was altered and this was not my normal mode of thought. Think about being hyped on glucose (literally psychotic) AND depressed at the same time, this is a cocktail designed to kill people. Not from wielding a shot gun and facing down cops, but rather turning the gun on themselves and committing the final sin of self destruction. I can only be thankful that I have only gotten to that point once in my life. Now I know that this combination of symptoms is a highly deleterious to good health, and I can, if I am well enough, think my way through it.

I bootstrapped my self together and forced myself to be proactive. I ran an errand and submitted an application for a job that I may not want, but know I can do well enough. One that will pay the bills without me having to over think things too much. Is this a career for me? Will I get burned out on it? I have no idea, but at least it will added to my image of self-worth and occupy my time to the point where I am not thinking about programming day in and day out. I got burned out on that once, looks like I can get burned out on that again easily enough.

Like I said, I got off my ass and did something proactive. Will I get the job? I hope so because other sources of income are becoming harder to come by. Seems no-one wants a 40 year old burned out programmer. Can I blame them? Not really.

My career as an author is not coming along as planned either, though to be honest I have not had the time to devote to it I would have liked. This project (Miasma of Musings) has become a lot larger than I originally anticipated and I have not written seriously in a couple of months. In fact, I need to get to a final edit on my last story and submit it soon, if for no other reason than to feel the sense of accomplishment that I am lacking right now. I have to get that published and move on to better projects.

Not that I have not done any work on my next story, I have about 1.4 million words of research to go through as prep. It is in a field I have a basic understanding of, (genetic engineering) but need a deeper knowledge of to make the story convincing. My first story dealt with theism versus science and the coming unification of the two. This is much more technical and I will not be able to “fudge” the science nearly as much lest I garner the host of “impossible” and “you whack” comments that are bound to accompany any science fiction story that is less speculative and more science based as this one will be.

So I filled the app and took a piss test that I will pass without blinking, I do not do drugs and so there is never a worry when asked to urinate in a little cup. But I did get a case of shy bladder and it took an hour and a half before I apparatus would cooperate with me. Kinda embarrassing, but I guess it happens.

Once out of there I made a few calls, again forcing myself to be proactive and then headed over to The Frog (the bar I hang out at because it is a family owned establishment and my soda or tea is free) and solved the wifi connectivity issue they were having. Once solved I forced myself not to get on to the blogs and email and just enjoy being there. I lucked out in that regard, it was jazz night and an evening of jazz and talking politics with a few friends there was what I needed to get me back into a better mood.

So now I sit here, writing down my days activities and feel better for it even though I have not solved some of my more pressing needs, I can only hope that tomorrow will bring the answers I need for that. But at least I am out of the deep blue funk I was so drowning in this morning.

Bad day, good day, it is al open to interpretation, but at least I am not thinking all crazy… for now.