Today was one of those days, you know the kind where you get what you need done early and have a bit of extra time to think. And while I was thinking I kept doing other things rather than think about this question because I thought it was a no brainer. Then I got to thinking…

For me, at the ripe old age of forty, do I really want the head over heals blinding type of love in my life? I have had that, and recently, and I am not sure that is for me any more. The blinding aspect for me has been out weighted a more mature, thought-out love that I want.

So what do I want? Well, I want passion, compassion, companionship, understanding and a partner who will compliment me in my life and to whom I compliment in theirs. Someone I can be me with, faults an all, and not have to worry about putting on a façade. Someone I can care for and be cared for by. Someone to laugh with in good times, cry with in bad times, and someone who will listen to me when I need to vent and understand my cockeyed points of view, or is not understand them, at least acknowledge them. There is more, but they are all small points and not worth writing down.

Is this so out of line for my life? Am I not deserving of this in my life? I sometimes wonder. I know that I am with someone right now who covers all these needs, and I am happier now than I have been in a long time. But I am not sure she feels the same way. I am not sure if my own insecurities will let me understand that she feels the same way for me even if she says she does. She has said as much, but maybe I have to learn to be more accepting.

God I am screwed up. Why do I analyze everything. I have to stop that.