I awoke today to the bleakest day I have felt in a long time. I am feeling very depressed today, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to communicate, I don’t want to work, I don’t want to write, I don’t want my daughter, I don’t want anything. I just want to roll up and let the world pass me by.

I know I am depressed and I do not know what to do about it. I can see no prospects for myself, I am only being harassed by creditors, and the prospect of me losing my home in the next few days is very real.

I have tried to get a job. I have gone on interviews and nobody wants me. I have an idea for work, but I do not want to do it. My contact for money that I am owed has canceled his phone service, I think I am in trouble that way too.

It is like my life is a house of cards and someone has just inhaled and is ready to blow the whole thing over. I do not see me being around in a few days. I do not know what to do. For all my accomplishments, work, and such, it feels like it has all been for nothing. My affect on anyone seems so small, so meaningless, that if I were not here would anyone really notice? Yeah, the creditors would.

I am a 40 year old programmer that nobody wants.

So, all these thoughts run through my mind, they are not good, not healthy. I think it is the diabetes talking, only I test and it is 133 after a bowl of cereal, not bad and an expected number. So I cannot blame the diabetes for that. I am just depressed, totally an completely… I have to do something to break it.

I have tried to contact a few friends for help, and none have come through for me. Not a single one. For all I do for my friends, not a single one has been able to help me. Do you know how much that hurts. I am an invisible man in a world of the unconscious.

“Son, are ignorant or just apathetic?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”

…

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”