It seems I have a little bottle of 30 days supply of everything in the pharmacy. For someone that had only Tylenol and Motrin in the cabinet, I can now seemingly go into business for myself. Come on over, see all the flavors… something for everyone. Let’s have a party! Right, I think not.

I did my due diligence when I started taking these meds. I read all the instructions carefully and took note of the warnings. I was fully aware of the side effects when I started dosing. But being aware and having the reactions are two different things.

For one, I am tired all the time. I wake up in the morning and want nothing more than to go back to sleep. I get up anyway; partake in morning ablutions and go to work. Invariably I will get the following reactions: A few hours later I will get horny, this is from the Androgel. Next I will want to vomit all morning long; this is from the Wellbutrin and smoking, but I smoke anyway. A few hours later it comes around and I just get tired, this could be from anything. In any case by the time I get home all I want is a shower, a lot of food, and then to go to sleep. At night I am just tired and as I fall asleep I start sweating like a pig. I toss and turn all night long in the sweat getting up to piss every few hours. Now I know the urinating routine, which is from the diabetes, but here is the rub, my BGL (Blood Glucose Level) is steady and falling into a normal range again. I should not have to urinate all the time. I know my need for water intake has waned, and that too was a reaction to a high BGL. Lastly, my feet get as cold as death and all the blankets in the world don’t seem to help sometimes.

Did you notice something missing there? Yeah, one of my mainstays of life is missing… when do I have time for sex? Truth be know I have no interest in it right now unless someone puts the interest into me. Another side effect and one I hate. So when I want it, that is when I go over to the medicine cabinet and get yet another flavored pill out. This one is a little blue pill that should taste like berries, but I just down it. Give that about an hour to work, some self motivation, a bit of reciprocal interest and I am good to go. To bad I need more meds just to do it… believe me this is not my choice.

The last of the side effects, a lack of motivation to do much of anything. This is insidious. I know there are things I have to do, but for whatever reason I find ways to put them off. I find excuses not to do things. I look to just lie down on the bed and ignore the world. This is possibly the worst of it. Lack of motivation makes the days blend together. It makes you not give a damn about anything or anyone. It makes you an incomplete person.

The thing is, before I went on the meds I was giving myself reasons to do things. I was going out and taking pictures, spending time with people, working on writing and blogging. I was doing things that made a life more rounded and now I have slipped back into a pattern of endless and indistinguishable days. Welcome to what is possible the worst of all living hells.

I tell myself that I just need to try harder and do more and then I just ignore it. I then search out the place under my blankets that seems to be the only solitude remaining. The weirdest thing though is that I am not depressed. I know what depression feels like and this is not it. In fact the Wellbutrin is meant to stop the clinical depression I was feeling and to its’ merit it seems to be doing just that. So maybe it is a psychological depression after all. I can’t take that excuse either because things (mentally) were good before I started the new regimen.

I know that I have come under a lot of stress lately, maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe I am using stress as just another excuse. Maybe I am just lazy at heart and this is my true strip revealed at last. Maybe, maybe, maybe… more excuses.

So, that is the haze of my daze of late. Maybe all I need is more time to get used to the meds. One more excuse…