A watched bagel never toasts.

Of course you have to take it out of the baggy first.

A watched bagel never toasts.

Oh yeah, you have to cut it in half, but only when you take it out of the baggy first.

A watched bagel never toasts.

It does no good to just leave the cut bagel you took out of the baggy on the counter so you put the bagel you cut in half into the toaster.

A watched bagel never toasts.

Hmm, the bagel you took out of the baggy and cut on the counter and finally put into the toaster is still not toasted, you got to put the thingy down, yeah.

A watched bagel never toasts.

The thingy is down! It’s been down for a half an hour and still the bagel you removed from the baggy and cut with the bread knife and left on the counter a while and then put into the toaster and put the thingy down is not toasted… Oh, the browning level is set at zero, so how about turning it up to setting 7 that should do it. On second thought, maybe level 5 would be good so it doesn’t burn, so I give it a twist and push down the thingy; can’t forget to push down the thingy.

A watched bagel never toasts.

It’s been 45 minutes and the bagel you took out of the baggy and cut with the bread knife and left on the counted a bit then put into the toaster and then put the thingy down only to see that the browning level was set to 0 so you set it to 5 and then put the thingy down again is still not toasted to you look for the power cord among the 7 other power cords and find out that the toaster is not plugged in after all. You plug in the toaster and push the thingy down.

A watched bagel never toasts.

Maybe the toaster is just real slow because after an hour you are beginning to wonder if setting 5 was just not enough and you should have gone with your gut instinct of setting number 7 having solved the problem of the unplugged cord and the fact that you have to put the thingy down after you remove the bagel from the baggy and cut it with a bread knife and leave it on the counter and finally put it into the toaster.  Naw, the setting is right and now the unplugged cord is double checked so finally you go over to the breaker box and see that the kitchen electrical breaker is in the off position. You look around for Lucy van Pelt and put the breaker back into the on position and walk back over to the toaster looking for unkicked footballs on the way and when you get there you are sure to put the thingy down.

A watched bagel never toasts.

You started your journey at 8 a.m. and now it is past noon and you realize that you normally don’t eat a bagel for lunch but feel you can make an exception today so you keep waiting for the bagel to toast because you turned on the breaker and there were no footballs to trip over and then plugged in the toaster and put in the bagel that you took from the baggy and cut with the serrated bread knife and left on your lovely granite counter top for a while before you realized you needed to put it into the toaster and finally put the thingy down when you look at the electric bill stuck to the refrigerator with a refrigerator magnet from the World’s Largest Lint Ball Museum from some odd little town in the Midwest you stopped in because you had to have a Snickers Bar because you had been driving all day and really just needed to stretch your legs but needed an excuse for your wife because she just wanted to get to Missoula before it got dark and it shows a shutoff date for last week.

A watched bagel never toasts.

After you stop crying because you realize for the first time in your life that life is truly unfair you pick up your cell phone and try calling the electric company but there is no signal so it does not look like you are going to be able to get your electricity back on any time soon and out of the corner of your eye you notice the calendar on the pantry door and today is December 21, 2012 and the world has come to an end as your house is swallowed up by a fissure created by the 40 mile diameter meteorite that streaked deafeningly across the sky a few moments ago as you tried vainly to put the thingy down on your ever so wonderful G.E.  10 browning level Deluxe Toastron-o-matic in the hopes that whatever little electricity is left in the wires is enough to toast the bagel you took out from the plastic Glad Ziploc Baggy and cut with your Hinkle 5 star Gourmet Serrated Bread Knife and suddenly you are at the end of the tunnel you heard about all your life and Saint Peter waves a hand at you as you pass the Pearly Gates and you stand before the Almighty God in Heaven and ask if you can get your bagel toasted and he says…

A watched bagel never toasts.