OK, I will admit it… I don’t know every word in the English language. (Hey, that’s a big admission on my part) So when a friend of mine was talking on the subject of polyamory, (and BTW, MSWord does not know this word either, I had to add it) I thought that she was getting the word polyandry wrong and corrected her. Opps, my bad and what a good word. Shame on me for not knowing it.

Now if you have read my blogs you will know that I am a huge booster of many of the ideas espoused by Robert A. Heinlein, the Dean of Science Fiction. One of the ideas he was very much in favor of (at least in a spiritual sense, he was not up for it near the end of his life) was the idea that families could come in more shapes than just a husband, wife and children. And with this came the idea of polyamory, he just did not know the word for it because it was not coined until two years after his death.

According to the Wikipedia, polyamory is:

“the practice or lifestyle of being part of more than one long-term, intimate, and, often, sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous or polysexual (a blanket term), often abbreviated to poly.”

I must admit that I am so glad to finally have a word for something that I believe in whole-heartedly. One of the quote from Robert is “Love can never be divided, it can only be multiplied. The more you love, the more you can love.” This has become the defacto slogan for the polyamory movement. (Yes, there is a whole movement on this and I never even knew it.)

Another admission is that I probably did not know anything about this word or the polyamory movement was because I was in a monogamous relationship at the time and was simply not paying attention. But now that I am single again and having fun, this is something I think deserves my attention.

Some of the interesting side notes for this are the types of families that can be formed when the concept of polyamory is adopted. Line Marriages, S-Families, Clan Marriages, Triad, Quads, and Multi’s are all acceptable. Some incorporate the idea of primary spouses and secondaries, others are based on mutual love, respect and the concept that a family is also a business unit and has a financial core that needs attended to.

Robert Heinlein in his book “The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress” describes a Line Marriage in great detail. It is at it’s heart a polyamorous group that is devoted to the raising of their children and thus is also a “corporation” to financially support those children. The description is of a very happy group of free thinking people and loosely based rules concerning the way you can love. This is of course fairly radical in its thinking and only now (30 years after its writing) starting to become a possibility in terms of legal acceptance and public acceptance.

This type of marriage is also called a group marriage and not the first example of it human history. From 1849 to about 1878 the Onieda Community (based on the teaching and proselytizing of John Noyes) was the first successful group marriage. They circumvented the legal ramifications of such a group because it was based on religious convictions that each member was saved, and thus free to love as they would (and thus the first free love commune).  By the resolution of the community in1878 they had over 300 husbands and wives, and even today some of their business holdings are still functioning.

While I would agree that this is a bit extreme and may be more than I would ever want to indulge in, the idea of a group marriage is very appealing to me. In the example sited by Robert Heinlein, that group was much smaller, only about 12 husbands and wives, but the idea that is was stable and loving is exciting. The idea that they were there for each other and especially for the children is to me one of the most sound reasons to pursue such an arrangement. The fact that it was also a comfortable business only makes the idea even more palatable and logical. As an instrument for furthering familial holdings, since the family never dies, allows for long-range investments not possible in today’s society.

All this is fine and good but it is the mature concept of loving more than one person and having that love understood that appeals to me. This is not about sex, although sex comes into play of course, but rather a mature view of what love is. One would never question that a mother could love all her children equally, why would you question that someone could love other equally and whole-heartedly? The Malthusian idea that love divided is thus love diminish is then tossed aside with the example of a loving mother.

Another quote from the song “Ain’t No Crime” by Billy Joel is:

Well now you tell me you love somebody
And you’ll love ‘em forever, you may love ‘em forever,
But you won’t like ‘em all of the time.
Well now you tell me you need somebody
For the rest of your life you might have somebody,
But you won’t want ‘em ev’ry day.

I think that this is a very common sentiment, and a group marriage is one that can offer the type of emotional support that you would not get in a traditional marriage. In a group marriage the spouses support and love each other and work out the problems and allow time for conflicts to heal while still maintaining the relationship. In a traditional marriage where two people have be with each other exclusively, a conflict could end the relationship.

It is a hard concept to really grasp I suppose because we were not brought up with this idea as children. To us it is not logical and in some cases would be considered immoral. But then again so is polygamy, polyandry and other forms of marriage that are practiced today in other parts of the world. For instance, polyandry is not uncommon in areas of Asia, and in South America there are tribes of people that would classify themselves as being part of group marriages.

Just because we are not used to the idea does not mean it is wrong. In fact, it may be the wave of the future.

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